Friday Funny

How to Human-proof a Cat House (courtesy of About.com cats)

First, we must define "Human-Proof" as the act of arranging a cat house so that the humans who mom and pop-ulate it know without a doubt who is boss in your CAT HOUSE. To accomplish this, put yourself in your human's purrspective: jump up on the highest surface you can find. The top of a door is good, or the railing of a balcony. Your humans' screams of terror will inspire you as you go about surveying your domain. (The effect will intensify if you wobble a bit, or pretend to slip.)

Scan your gaze around your cat house to see spots where your human-proofing work is needed. Making your human's house a cat house is important business, so take your time. You'll see dozens of likely places that could set the scene. We'll give you some useful tips, and with your imagination, you can give this endeavor your purrsonal touch. Remember, cats rule!

The Hairball Hurl
At least once a week, leave a large hairball on the floor in a conspicuous place (the middle of the new Abusson rug is a purrfect spot, or next to the bed is good!) Your human will entertain you for several minutes, by poking, prodding, and analyzing it for content, then extend your entertainment by discussing it for hours with other fascinated humans. (The human mind has an unfathomable bent for making lemonade from life's lemons.)

Extra points are given for making a lot of noise before hurling the hairball. A tried-and-true technique is to hunch over, cough, gag, and groan a lot, then when you have attracted the attention of a solicitous human, produce your award-winning hairball. Your rewards will be enhanced by her cries of "ewuuew!" as she surveys the prize.

The Human Cat House Dance
Leave slippery toys lying around where your human is likely to encounter them at unlikely times (like coming into the house with both arms full of grocery bags.) Her antics as she flails her arms, with elbows, knees and ankles akimbo will give you lots to talk about with other cats on the Kitty Net. Take care that your human doesn't hurt herself, though. The object is just to promote a little fear and panic, which is good for humans - it stimulates their adrenaline glands and gets their hearts pumping. (Think of it as cat house aerobics.) Hard plastic jingle balls are good for this exercise - every self-respecting cat should have plenty of those lying around the house..

Cat House Twist on Toys
When your human brings home a new flashy electronic toy, profess great interest in the box it came in. Gather around it, sniffing and marking it with your cheek glands. Then, when your human hauls out the toy to assemble it, jump in the box for a game of hide-and-seek with another cat. Steadfastly ignore the toy, making it obvious that you think the box is the real gift. If your human fails to get the message, the braver among you may try simulating marking the toy with your other glands. Remember, the key word is simulate: just back up to the toy, raise your tail and let it quiver a bit until you get her attention. Prime cat house human-proofing!

An alternative is to give the toy a rousing round of play. Convince your human that you think it's the niftiest thing to come around since catnip. Then, when she has bragged about it to all her friends, convincing them to buy one too, give it the cold shoulder. Look at it with disdain, and give it a wide berth as you pass it on your way to play in a paper bag. You and your friends on the Kitty Net can do a "group snub" as a means of insuring your domain over your respective cat houses, and it will move you closer to human-proofing your own house.

Cat Food Scramble
This is an excellent variation on the Cat House Twist on Toys. Just substitute the latest bag of superior cat food your human brings home to your house. Sniff and scratch at the bag, or even try to tear it open. Then use either variation of the above method. A superb way to show disdain for food is to scratch the floor all around the bowl as if you were attempting to bury it. Your human will be humbled immediately by this ploy, and your goal of making a home a cat house will soon be within reach.

Bring your Human Gifts
Bubba's supreme crowning moment that made this house his cat house was the night he left a catfish corpse lying on the floor next to Franny's side of the bed. To this day, he has pleasant catnip dreams of her screams when she stepped on the gift in her bare feet on her way to the human litter box. The racket she made resounded throughout the house. Get creative, cats: look around your cat house for similar gifts to share with your human. She'll love them, and you'll get extra human-proofing points for your own house.